


Dude, I'm a Dude!

by Charity_Angel



Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: Artefact hijinks, F/M, FTM Claudia, M/M, Rule 63, Transgender Claudia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-03-06 04:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13403025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charity_Angel/pseuds/Charity_Angel
Summary: After two days off sick, Claudia gets a rude awakening. She's obviously been whammied, but what's to blame?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another of my testing-the-water things. I've never written a straight-up WH13 fic before, nor anything present-day. I haven't got a clear-cut plan for this. It was just a random thought that came from a different fic that's never got beyond the first couple of hundred words.

“Dude, what the hell?!”

Myka snapped awake from her pleasantly drowsy slumber on hearing the strange shout from across the hall. Was that a stranger in the B&B? The voice was unfamiliar, and nearby. Maybe Claudia’s room?

Behind her, she felt Pete sit up, instantly alert.

“Pete? Myka?”

They exchanged glances and leaped out of bed. Pete had his hand on the doorknob by the time she managed to throw his bathrobe at him. Honestly, he had no sense of shame or modesty. Together they headed over to Claudia’s room: she was the only other person home, as far as they knew. Steve had intended to stay late to do some inventory work, which Myka suspected was a thinly veiled excuse to give her and Pete some alone time. Not that she was complaining: she and Pete were still in the first blooms of romance, and the Warehouse didn’t give them an awful lot of downtime.

“Claud, you okay?” Myka called, knocking softly.

“Myka, oh thank God. I, uh… help?”

Myka pushed the door open. From the timbre of the shouts, she had kind of known what to expect, but that didn’t change the fact that it was a shock to see a young man sat on Claudia’s bed, staring at his hands. His long, dyed red hair obscured part of his face, and Claudia’s little camisole and shorts looked positively ridiculous on him.

Behind Myka, Pete sighed. “What did you touch?”

Claudia shook her (his?) head. “Nothing! How could I? I’ve been here, sick, for the last two days!”

She had a point: for the last two days, Claudia had been sick with a stomach bug, and had not left the B&B. None of them had brought any artefacts home either, so Claudia couldn’t have touched anything that way. 

Myka paused, her eyes wide as she thought quickly. “Okay. We’ll just, uh, go get some clothes on, and we’ll head over to the Warehouse, see if Artie has any idea what’s going on. Pete, you grab some sweatpants and a shirt for Claudia.”

Claudia gave her a wry smile. “Thanks, Myka.”

 

.oOo.

 

Artie and Steve rushed up to the office at Pete’s shout, their footsteps clattering loudly on the metal staircase from the main floor of the Warehouse.

“Pete, how much trouble could you have got into in the last two hours?” Artie grumbled as he burst through the door, Steve hot on his heels.

Pete stepped to the side so that they had an unobscured view of their latest case and gestured grandly.

Claudia chuckled despite herself. “Oh man, I hope we got that on camera,” she said, looking from face to incredulous face. “You’d think something _completely_ nuts had happened.”

“Um, Claud? You did notice that…” Steve trailed off.

Claudia shrugged. “That I’m a guy? Yeah, but this is the Warehouse: this is practically everyday. I didn’t grow an extra head, or wings, just a cock.”

Artie blushed furiously and Pete giggled like the overgrown child he was. Myka was just glad that Claudia had relaxed enough to be making quips like that.

“I kinda grew some extra inches this way too.” Claudia grinned as she gestured up and down with her hand, indicating her height. Having been a reasonably tall woman, Claudia was now taller than Pete, and probably Steve too, by the looks of things since she could look Myka in the eye even in her heels.

Steve, for his part, still looked stunned. His eyes were still riveted on Claudia, taking in her new body. Artie, the voice of experience, was already looking at this like it was old news, the shock worn off, but Steve? If Myka didn’t know any better, Steve kind of looked like all his Christmases had come at once, but he was scared that if he blinked they would go away forever.

That actually made sense in a way, she realised. Steve and Claudia had settled into some kind of relationship that was easy-going, but it really would have been much easier had Steve been straight. Or had Claudia been a man. Not that she thought that everyone had to be paired off, but those two? Oh, this was about to get very, very awkward.

“So, Artie,” she said quickly, to try and draw everyone’s attention to her and back to the task at hand, “have we got anything that could have caused this? Or can reverse it?”

 

.oOo.

 

By the time the sun was rising, they were all exhausted, crabby, and nowhere near any revelations. There were no red flags from the Warehouse inventory system (which even Claudia had to admit wasn’t always completely reliable), and spot-checks on likely culprits didn’t turn up anything missing or flashing the dreaded “Attention Required” message either. Even neutralising each and every one of the usual suspects did nothing. Although they all sparked, being artefacts, Claudia stayed distinctly male.

“Go home,” Artie instructed them, throwing his hands into the air in disgust. “Get some sleep, then Claudia and Steve can go shopping: you can’t wear that for however long this takes.”

“Hey!”

“Artie’s right,” Myka soothed Pete. “Even if your clothes fit right, Claud could be stuck for a while. It’s right that she feels as comfortable as she can.”

“I need to figure out if I’m a boxers or briefs kind of guy,” Claudia added with a grin. “And, no offence, but this look just isn’t my bag.”

Steve cleared his throat quickly. “We’ll… um… hit town later on, see what we can find to fit you. How tall are you now, anyway?”

Claudia shrugged. “Not exactly been the most important question on my mind today.”

“We can eyeball it for you,” Myka offered, “and we’ll get some actual measurements later. It’ll look weird if you don’t know your size when you go. Steve, you’re six feet, right?”

He nodded, still slightly wide-eyed and stunned by it all.

“Come on then, Jinksie,” Claudia said, grabbing him and turning so they were back to back, flush against each other.

“Six… two?” Pete suggested, cocking his head to one side as he considered the difference.

“Looks about right,” Myka agreed. “Congrats, Claud: you’re now officially the tallest Warehouse agent.”

“Not a thing I was planning on achieving today but, hey, I’ll take it,” Claudia said cheerfully. “If I’ve got to be a guy, at least I’m doing in in… oh man, I’m gonna have to learn to shave, aren’t I?”

“One step at a time,” Artie said. “Now, LEAVE!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myka has to play the grown-up. Nothing unusual there then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry. I really thought my brain might run with this more than it has. This is the next section, although I haven't really got anything to immediately follow it up. I have bits and pieces of plot, but nothing coherent as yet :(

Steve disappeared pretty much the instant they got back to the B&B, the door to his room not slamming as such, but it might as well have done considering the finality it implied and the impact it had on the mood downstairs. Claudia in particular seemed down about It (and unsurprisingly so) so Myka kicked Pete out too so they could have a chat, girl to, um, girl.

“He seems more freaked out about this than I am,” Claudia said as she folded her long body onto the sofa, radiating dejection. She might have been looking down at her knees, but it was obvious that her attention was on her absentee partner. “I mean, he was less weirded out when he got split from his evil twin sister.”

Myka smiled gently. “But that was him, and this is you Claud. You know Steve’s always been protective of you, but think: what would Steve’s ‘evil twin’ say about you right now?”

“Like this?” Claudia shrugged. “He’d probably have hit on me in about… ohhhhhh…”

Finally Claudia looked up, her eyes wide. Myka gave her a wry smile.

“Exactly. You’re pretty easy on the eyes, and Steve adores you. He’s just confused: I'll bet that all he needs is a little time, so he can figure out how he feels about this.”

“Wow, that’s awkward.” She sighed. “Maybe I should go out on my own later, give him some space? Or, maybe take you with me instead? Not too sure I should be driving right now: coordination’s still a thing.”

That was true enough: Claudia was like a gangly teen during a growth spurt. With longer limbs and bigger feet than she was used to, she had stumbled and tripped so often that Artie had banished her from the main floors of the Warehouse in case she accidentally knocked anything over in the stacks. It was a shame, because Claudia was really starting to get a feel for the artefacts and how they worked, and her particular brand of psychic energy could have been really useful in their search.

And it was strange how easily that kind of thought came to Myka these days: she trusted Pete’s vibes, or Steve’s lie detector without question. The gift that Claudia and Mrs Frederic shared was just an extension of that unquestioning faith in the inexplicable.

Myka nodded in response to Claudia’s statement. “That’s probably true. Let’s see how you both feel when you’ve slept on things and decide then.”

 

.oOo.

 

As it turned out, after a good morning’s sleep Steve was embarrassed about his conduct and apologised profusely to Claudia over bruch (since it couldn't really be classed as breakfast at one in the afternoon).

“Hey, it’s all good,” Claudia said, cheerfully brushing it off. “It’s a fairly freaksome thing.”

Steve smiled nervously. “But probably more for you than me. And you’re wearing Pete’s clothes, you poor thing. I’ve got some jeans that are a bit too long – they might fit you. At least better than, well…”

“The fact that Pete is three inches shorter and about a hundred pounds heavier than me?”

Steve raised his eyebrows. “Okay, now I definitely will call you a biyatch, with you looking like that.”

“Okay, okay, maybe not a hundred, but hey, the extra’s mostly muscle and I’m more twink than football player here.”

Steve averted his eyes slightly as his ears flushed red, and clearly decided that ignoring that comment was the better part of valour. But…

“Hey, are those my shoes?”

 

.oOo.

 

Steve decided they should hit Rapid City rather than closer towns like Featherhead since they were more likely to be able to find something to fit Claudia there. At least that was the reason he gave Claud: higher in his consideration was the fact that as two apparent gay guys, the sheer volume of homophobic slurs they were likely to face in Hicksville SD was something he didn’t want to expose her to. Even Univille, somewhat desensitised to oddities because of the proximity of the Warehouse, wasn’t the most open-minded of places and he always considered himself fortunate that he flew under the radar. Claudia wasn’t likely to at the moment - her joke about her being a twink was close to the truth than he would have liked.

“You know, it’s a shame we can’t market this,” she said as they browsed shirts.

“What?”

“I mean, it’s flawless,” she said, gesturing to her reshaped body. “There’s so many trans guys out there who pay a fortune they probably can’t afford for something that’s not nearly as good. Or even functional.”

Steve flushed and glanced away.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Claud said hurriedly, with a little gasp. “That’s probably oversharing between guys, right? It’s a girl thing.”

Steve gave himself a little shake. Still female. No matter how attractive she suddenly was, Claud was still a woman on the inside. “Not your fault. It’s stupid to be embarrassed about it.”

She shrugged. “But we’re all kind of taught that we shouldn’t talk about ‘private parts’ as kids. Girls kind of get over it but guys? I think I get that – it _is_ kind of weird, isn’t it?”

Steve laughed. “Yeah, I guess it is. Do I want to know about ‘functional’?”

There was another shrug and a flash of teeth as she grinned. “Pretty sure you can figure that one out for yourself.”

Steve had to concede that one, and tried not to think too hard about exactly what Claudia had been doing to discover what her new body was capable of. Already.

Also, damn did she look good in skinny jeans. That absolutely wasn't fair.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Claudia learns to boy, and Pete and Myka worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: the next few chapters are going to deal with a case focused on the LGBT+ community. It's not what it appears at first, but I wanted to give people a heads-up just in case.

Things hadn't sorted themselves out the next morning, and now someone had to teach Claudia to shave. She arrived downstairs to some serious mocking for her face-fungus.

“You mean I can't rock the designer stubble?” she teased, stroking her bristly chin.

“Not with your hair that colour, doll-face,” Steve shot back, grinning, which was nice to see after the disaster that had been the previous morning. “The drapes kind of have to match the rugs for that to work.”

“Holy crap, how did I not realise you're gay?” Claudia asked, her own smile lighting her face. “Aside from the fact you're usually pretty butch, and even Pete makes a better gay than you?”

Pete shrugged and swallowed his eggs. “Totally true. Only bit I fail on is the whole ‘attracted to men’ part.”

“That would kind of be the essential qualifier there,” Steve pointed out, gesturing in Pete’s general direction with his butter knife. “Come with me - I'll get you looking presentable today, and we'll do shaving 101 some other time.”

“Steve, can you…?” Myka trailed off as she realised she had been about to ask a stupid question. Of course Steve knew how to shave another guy.

“Wouldn't be the first time,” he replied anyway, giving her a soft smile. “Come on, Claud.”

 

.oOo.

 

Myka's eyes followed them out, which made Pete realise it wasn't just him.

“What's going on there?”

Myka shrugged, and sighed. “Nothing good. And we still don't know what happened to Claud, or how long it's going to last.”

“What do we do?” Deferring to Myka's common sense was definitely the best thing to do.

“Be supportive and help them pick up the pieces when it's over. They love each other too much for this not to be a complete disaster.”

Pete grimaced. “Is it wrong that I kind of don't want Claudia to turn back?”

Myka sort-of smiled at him in that sad way that people did when they knew things were bad. Or going to be bad. “No, but she's been whammied, and there's got to be a down-side some time. We've just got to be ready for when it happens, and the sooner it does, the better.”

“Before they get naked?”

Myka hit him, but she was smiling properly now so he classed it as a win. And her hitting him was always a check in the win column anyway, the way she did it.

 

.oOo.

 

Days turned into a week, and Claudia started learning how to be an agent again. Steve took her running, Pete started hand-to-hand training and making her use her strength rather than the tricks that work better for women, Myka helped with relearning how to shoot.

None of them could really help out when she bit the bullet and called first Josh, then Claire (but wound up speaking to Claire first anyway). Surprisingly, despite Josh's longer association with Warehouse weirdness, Claire took it better.

“He thinks he's not protected me properly,” Claudia groaned, staring at her darkened phone. “I mean, come on - I'm not exactly un-cautious with artefacts.”

“He gets that this isn't something you did, right? Or something he did?” Steve asked her.

“What I don't get is that he's really cool about people being trans. And he used to be pretty okay with me working for the Warehouse. And hello, not like he can talk, Mr I-Got-Stuck-In-An-Interdimensional-Limbo.”

Pete didn't think he imagined the guilty expression that flitted across Steve's face before he locked it down tightly. What was that about?

“But Claire’s okay?”

Claudia shrugged. “Kind of. I think she got a concentrated dose of weird, so she’s pretty okay with anything these days. As long as I’m okay, she’s not going to worry.”

Steve put an arm around her shoulders. “Josh adores you – he’ll come around.”

 

.oOo.

 

With Claudia benched for the foreseeable future until she managed to be a competent human male instead of an uncoordinated walking disaster, Pete and Myka spent almost all their time away, taking on all the cases (except for when they had two in tandem and then Artie had to play in the field too). This made it virtually impossible to pin Steve down and find out what the hell was going on there. Especially as he was looking more and more guilty whenever he happened to glance Claudia's way when she wasn't looking. And boy did he glance. It was kind of like being back in high school with the amount of unhealthy ‘glancing at each other’ that was going on. Artie was looking more and more fed up every time Pete and Myka returned, like he wanted to knock their heads together.

Then Artie found a case that they definitely needed Steve for.

 

.oOo.

 

“San Francisco is like gay paradise, isn’t it? Gay nirvana?” Pete asked, apparently embracing his lack of tact as Artie briefed them about the sudden spate of rioting in gay bars in San Francisco, with no obvious cause, no apparent links between the bars hit.

“You know we live everywhere, right?” Steve replied, almost absently as he looked over the case file. “Even right here in South Dakota. San Francisco is more tolerant than places, but there are homophobes there too.”

Artie brandished some papers. “All the witness statements are taken from people who are part of the LGBT community; some even say that friends have been turning on friends.”

“Definitely sounds artefact-y,” Pete commented. “How are we going to play this?”

”I could go with Steve,” Myka suggested slowly.

Steve appreciated the offer, it was sweet, in a weird way that said far too much about how well Myka knew him. He was absolutely certain she had noticed just how uncomfortable he was around Claudia, and probably figured out at least part of the reason by now. Honestly by this point, Steve would be surprised if Pete didn’t know - he knew he wasn’t being as subtle as he wanted, and he lived and worked with people trained to sniff out dirty little secrets.

“Hey, I’m right here,” Claudia pointed out, literally pointing at herself as she did so. “I’ve requalified to shoot things, and I’ve got used to how tall I am. I’m pretty sure I can sell being attracted to men and I’m also sure that two guys would be more discrete than a guy and a girl. And, no offence Pete, since we’ve established your gay cred, but I think I’d be more convincing than you.”

“Claudia’s right,” Steve said. “We’re the better choice for this. We’ve always been a team, me and Claud – why mess with what works?”


End file.
